Monday, June 17, 2013

Guest Post: How Public Urination Helped Inspire a Major Horror Set Piece


This week, I'm having author Jonathan Janz as a guest on my blog. You may have heard of him, since he is one of the freshest new voices in horror fiction. He is the author of The Sorrows, House of Skin, The Darkest Lullaby, and now a terrifying serial novel called Savage Species. He is also one of the nicest guys I've ever met. Since I enjoy being out in nature and like to go hiking through the woods, I can relate to Jonathan's wild story about peeing outdoors. Sometimes nature calls. And sometimes nature inspires the twisted imagination of a horror author. Jonathan, I'll let you take it from here:

Guys like to pee outdoors. It’s a biological fact. Maybe women do, too, but the variations in our equipment might make it more difficult for them. But I’m not against female public urination. In fact, I’d say I was all for it, except that would make me sound like a weirdo and a frequenter of twisted fetishist websites. I’m pretty sure those exist. Even if the strangest site I’ve ever visited is Brian Moreland’s blog.
 
But I digress.
 
My wife thinks it’s disgusting, and maybe it is, but I enjoy peeing outdoors and take advantage of this God-given recreational activity every opportunity I get. Sometimes I drink too much water just so I can pee on someone’s lawn. You know, mark my territory. I get strange looks and the occasional restraining order, but in the end it’s all worth it.
 
So one day my three little kids and I are playing at this state park we always go to. At the time I was already planning to set a novel there because of its varied terrain and its uncanny isolation. By now it won’t surprise you to learn that I was eager to do a bunch of outdoor peeing. I got my chance when my youngest decided she was content to play in a sandbox next to the older kids, who I think were building some sort of house out of dead ants and cigarette butts. I was too focused on finding a good place to pee to take much notice.
 
So I go over to the far edge of this pine grove that surrounds the playground like a prickly green necklace. There were some rabbits and squirrels nearby, but no people, and I figured the rabbits and squirrels wouldn’t care. And if they did, that was their tough luck. I was claiming that three-foot plot of wildgrass for my own, and there was nothing Bugs or Rocky could do about it.
 
As I was enjoying the euphoria that can only occur when I’m urinating outdoors, I sensed a stare to my left. You know what I mean? There’s no scientific basis for this, but I’ve always believed I could feel a human stare. I slowly swiveled my head around to meet the stare, and to my relief, there was only a tall sunflower waving from side to side like an admonishing finger. Ignoring the sunflower, I resumed my flow and began to think. There hadn’t been anyone standing there when I turned, but what if there had been? And what if the owner of that stare was not a person, not an uptight sunflower, but a nine-foot-tall carnivorous, sadistic, highly intelligent creature?
 
I think we’ve all had thoughts like that.
 
Anyway, that moment inspired what turned out to be the biggest and most violent sequence of action and horror I’d written up to that point in my career. You can read the whole bloody scene in the free first installment of my new serial novel Savage Species. At the following link you can download the first hundred pages (Night Terrors) for free, and on June 18th, the second installment (The Children) will go on sale for a little over a dollar.
 

I hope you check out my serial novel. And I hope, whether you’re a man, a woman, or anyone else with the ability to micturate, that you take the next opportunity to feel the summer breeze on your personal bits. I assure you, there’s nothing quite like it.
 
Jonathan Jaz is the tall one.

You can find Jonathan Janz's Savage Species books at any one of these links:

Amazon:
 
Savage Species: Night Terrors
 
Savage Species: The Children
 
Samhain Horror:
 
Savage Species: Night Terrors
 
Savage Species: The Children 
 







7 comments:

  1. I've peed outside a time or two behind a tree, though it is much more diffult and you have to quickly decide which leaves are safe since you can't shake it. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sure you can shake it girl! Just make a little dance out of it. ;) And peeing outside does give one the sense of having some power as well making you gain that adrenaline rush over the fact that you COULD get caught for doing something many frown upon. But honestly, why not pee outside? As long as your not flashing your junk to a minor that is nearby I see no harm

      Delete
    2. I understand where you're coming from, SandDanz. I often do a little dance after I pee outdoors, but that's just because I feel so joyful. And I'm with you on not flashing my junk at the wrong people. I prefer to flash senior citizens. They take longer to dial 911.

      Delete
  2. After we moved to the country with our then 5-yr-old boy, I discovered a whole horde of varmits bent on eating everything I tried to grow in the gardens. We suffered through one mostly harvest-less season before an experienced neighbor revealed the key to growing a sucessful rural vegetable patch ... he told me to have my boy pee at random spots bordering the plots. It worked. From then on, I wholehearatedly encouraged outdoor peeing.

    It was awesome until I got a call from the school at the beginning of first grade. Turns out, the pricipal was NOT okay with my son's ducking off behind the nearest pine and and relieving himself near the sad, rabbit-chewed, landscape-plants he found there. Not even after my boy explained how it was actually GOOD for the plants.

    I guess some folks just don't get it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That principal needs a talking to. I bet he's against spitting and scratching ones private bits too. Uptight folks like him are to blame for the poor state of private agriculture. Not every farmer can afford high fences and armed guards. Some count on their children's urine as a first line of defense. But if the principal acts like that's some sort of sin...well, I think the principal needs a lesson in the joys of peeing outdoors. Surely he (or she) would see the light then.

      Delete
  3. Yep, Erin, my wife has faced similar tribulations. She's taken to carrying a large plastic cup with her in the van just in case. It's saved her a couple times, but now I find myself eyeing every cup she hands me with suspicion.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, by the way, the Anonymous replier is me, Jonathan Janz. Guess I should've mentioned that earlier.

    ReplyDelete